Mind the Gap: Part XVII – Young Man, Soon to be teenager.

Self-Awareness. Professionalism. Trust. Tolerance.

To star boy – and to parents navigating the young adult years,

It has been great having you back from your trip, and I want to admit I missed you when you were away

Glad you’ve settled into the rhythm of things though the early morning snooze and late night is something you need to watch, and i hope this conversation will be a thing of the past.

I’ve watched you these past few days – unpacked, present, moving forward. There is something steady about you now, but…. work in progress for sure!!

First, let me acknowledge what matters.

You continue to do well at School without low levels. That is not a small thing. That is growth made visible. You have carried yourself with a consistency that deserves recognition. I see it. I am proud of it.

I’ve also noticed something else. You don’t smile much lately. You are turning 13 soon, and I know this age carries its own weight. But son, I need you to pause and reflect on your privileges. The trips abroad. The grammar school education. The stable home. The parents who show up. The opportunities that many your age will never touch. You carry all of this – and yet your face often carries sadness. I am not dismissing your feelings. But I am asking you to look around. Gratitude and sadness can coexist. But gratitude must be practised, or it gets buried.

Also, and this may seem small, but it isn’t: you have been brushing your teeth morning and evening. That matters. Not because teeth are the point – but because discipline in the small things builds discipline in the large ones. You are showing up for yourself in ways that weren’t automatic before. Keep going.

The Phone Conversation – Still Ongoing

We’ve talked about this before, and I know it frustrates you. But the conversation about not taking a phone on team trips is not going away. Let me be direct with you.

I don’t quite trust you to manage which sites you visit.

That is not an insult. It is an honest observation. And it is not entirely your fault. The way social media companies design their platforms – the algorithms, the endless scroll, the targeted content – is engineered to pull you in and keep you there. These companies employ psychologists and data scientists whose job is to defeat your self-control. You are 13. You are not meant to win against that alone.

There is an ongoing debate in this country about banning social media for under-16s. Politicians, experts, and campaigners are asking serious questions about the harm these platforms cause to young minds. If they are seeing something worth regulating, surely I am not wrong to see it too.

Here are three reasons why the phone is not a good idea on trips – grounded in the realities of how social media works:

1. Presence Over Performance
   When you have your phone, you are never fully where you are. You are documenting, not experiencing. You are curating, not connecting. Team trips are about bonding – eye contact, conversation, laughter that isn’t posted. Your phone steals presence. And presence is the entire point.
2. Issues Around Algorithm and Addiction
   The algorithm does not care about your wellbeing. It cares about keeping you on the screen. It feeds you content designed to provoke, to distract, to addict. On a team trip, you should be present with your teammates – not in a doomscroll loop curated by a machine that has no love for you. The addictive nature of social media is by design. Trips are a chance to break that cycle, not deepen it.
3. Reputation Is Fragile
   You have worked hard to rebuild trust. But one impulsive post, one late-night scroll, one reaction to something that shouldn’t have been seen – these things travel faster than you can undo them. Protecting your reputation means protecting the environments where it can be damaged. Team trips are one of those environments.

The Trust Element

Here is the honest truth: your mother and I want to build trust with you at the level you are currently at. Not the level we hope you reach. Not the level you used to be at. The level you are at right now.

And right now, trust is growing – but it is not yet fully mature.

We need you to understand boundaries more than you currently do. Not because you are bad. But because boundaries are what allow freedom to grow without destruction. A garden without a fence gets trampled. A river without banks becomes a flood. Boundaries are not walls – they are guidance.

The Forge – 7 Key Lessons

We watched The Forge together on Monday night. You remember. The story of a young man being shaped – not through comfort, but through pressure. Through mentorship. Through being held to a standard.

Here are 7 key lessons from The Forge – for you, and for any young adult learning to become who they are meant to be:

1. Mentorship Changes Everything
   No one becomes great alone. The young man in the film had someone who saw more in him than he saw in himself. You need that. We all do. Find people who will speak truth to you – not just comfort.
2. Discipline Precedes Destiny
   He didn’t wake up transformed. He showed up. Repeatedly. Even when it was hard. Even when he didn’t feel like it. Consistency in young adults is what separates potential from results.
3. You Must Want the Change
   No one can force you to grow. The mentors guided. The opportunities appeared. But he had to choose. Every single day. Personal responsibility for growth is non-negotiable.
4. Pressure Produces Strength
   The forge is hot. It is uncomfortable. It is not meant to feel good. But without the heat, the metal never becomes strong. The hard seasons – the ones that press on you – are the ones shaping you.
5. Forgiveness Opens the Future
   The film didn’t ignore the past. It acknowledged mistakes. But it also showed that learning from past mistakes clears the path forward. You cannot drive forward while staring in the rearview mirror.
6. Community Holds You Accountable
   He wasn’t alone. Neither are you. Family, mentors, teammates – these are not optional. They are the voices that say, “You can do better,” and “I’m still here.”
7. Your Legacy Is Being Written Now
   Every choice – small or large – is a page in the story you will one day tell. What do you want that story to say? Start writing today.

Transformational Vocabulary for This Week

These words are not abstract. They are tools. Carry them into your week.

Self-Awareness
Knowing yourself – your triggers, your tendencies, your blind spots – is the beginning of all growth. Self-awareness asks: Why did I react that way? What am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? Without it, you will repeat the same patterns and wonder why nothing changes.

Professionalism
Professionalism is not about a job. It is about how you carry yourself. Showing up on time. Keeping your word. Responding, not reacting. Handling disappointment without destruction. Professionalism is the quiet dignity that makes others trust you.

Trust
Trust is built in drops and lost in buckets. It is not given permanently – it is earned daily. Trust says, I will do what I said I would do, even when no one is watching. And when trust is broken, it must be rebuilt – slowly, painfully, deliberately.

Tolerance
Tolerance does not mean agreeing with everyone. It means making space for others to be different. To think differently. To move at a different pace. Tolerance is not weakness – it is strength under control. It is the ability to stay calm when you are frustrated.

Learning from Others’ Mistakes

Here is something I want you to hold closely:

Some of the wisest people I know learned by watching others fall. They paid attention. They asked questions. They said, “What happened there? How could that have been avoided?” and then they adjusted their own path.

You do not need to crash every car to understand that speed kills. You do not need to lose every relationship to understand that trust is fragile. Learning from others’ mistakes is a shortcut to wisdom. Use it.

For Parents Navigating the Young Adult Years

If you are reading this and your son or daughter is no longer a child but not yet fully independent – the “young adult” space between adolescence and adulthood – know that you are not alone.

How to set boundaries with young adult children is one of the hardest questions parents face. They are too old to control. Not yet mature enough to fully trust. And you are left holding both hope and hesitation.

Here is what I am learning:

• Boundaries are not rejection. They are the structure that allows relationship to survive.
• Trust is built through small, consistent actions – not grand promises.
• You can believe in someone and still hold them accountable.
• The young adult years require a different kind of parenting – less directing, more coaching. Less controlling, more consulting.

If you are searching for how to rebuild trust with your adult child, or how to encourage responsibility in young adults, or simply needing encouragement for parents of young adult sons, take heart. This season is hard – but it is also holy. You are not failing. You are refining.

And if your young adult looks sad, like mine does, don’t look away. Ask. Sit with them. You don’t have to fix it. Sometimes just seeing is enough.

Closing

Son, you are turning 13 soon. You are not getting younger – but you are not yet the man you will become. That man is being forged right now. In the decisions. In the boundaries. In the brushing of teeth morning and evening. In the choice to put the phone down. In the willingness to learn from others before you fall yourself.

Take time to reflect on your privileges. The trips. The school. The family. The opportunities. These are not small things. They are gifts. And gifts deserve gratitude.

I believe in you. Not because you have arrived – but because you are still walking.

Keep going. Smile when you can. Let us in when you can’t.

With love, and with hope for the man you are becoming,

Dad